1. Denial

2. Delusion

3. Distortion

4. Defensiveness

5. Dishonesty

6. Despair

A mature, functional adult feels self- esteem from the inside out and feels vulnerable with protection. They are able to embrace self as imperfect with accountability for imperfections that damage others. In addition, a mature functional adult is interdependent, not dependent i.e., needy or wanting.

IF you have any of the behavior above, you may be a co-dependent. Breaking the co-dependent cycle starts when you recognize that you have a problem, and then, you take the first step by seeking out a professional to help identify the dysfunction and assist in changing the unwanted behavior. Co-dependent behavior is passed down from generation to generation. It is never to late to change your behavior. Your transformation will assist others in the family cycle.

The topic of the next Newsletter will be DENIAL. Each of the six "D’s" of co-dependency will be address in the following months.

If you feel you have a problem with co-dependency, and want to break the cycle, call me today at:

505 S Arlington, Suite 212

Reno, NV 89509

Email: mtnquest@charter.net

www.mtnquest-hypnotherapy.com

ARE YOU A CO-DEPENDENT?  FIND OUT.

Adult symptoms of co-dependency include relationship problems and the inability to have intimacy with others often, becoming enmeshed in inappropriate, abusive or clinging relationships.

“As adults we have some painful challenges which can best be summarizes as identity and intimacy issues which are developed from unmet needs around guilt, shame and fear of abandonment”,  ( Erick Erickson)

A co-dependent may have physical ailments by somatizing feelings into arthritis, cancer, allergies, upper respiratory infections, stress and anxiety, to name a few. In addition they may not be able to set limits, and do for others what they don’t even do for themselves.

Because of their absence of self-awareness, they are unable to find the strength to set goals and find direction in their life. They may need external validation from others because of their low self-esteem. They may be caretakers and allow others to continue unhealthy behavior by removing or attempt to remove harmful consequences, thus rewarding the unhealthy behavior, which in turn perpetuates the cycle of co-dependency.

A co-dependent removes harmful consequences from the behavior of others for fear of being rejected, disliked or unloved. In addition, one may be hyper vigilant, with anxieties and abnormal fear that may turn into phobias or compulsive addictive behavior and then into addictions.

Some co-dependents have intensity issues, or the need for excitement, thus, surrounding themselves with crisis, creating chaos only feeling alive when things are falling apart.

The six "D’s" of co-dependency are:

Denial:  through denial we maintain our beliefs, whether it is the denial of the problem, the feelings regarding the problem, or the depth of the problem’s impact on our lives. 

We have many problems but only one dysfunction.  Addiction, incest, abuse, neglect and depression are all problems found in co-dependant families.  The denial is the dysfunction.

The denial eliminates the opportunity to resolve problems or deal with feelings about the problem.  It also eliminates the chances to find recovery for the problem. 

Denial sets up problems to be passed on.  What we don’t pass back we pass on.  As long as denial exists there is no freedom.  It is the sustaining force of your self-destructiveness.

Delusion:  delusion is a form of self-deception that allows us to survive with the problem intact.  It varies from “ It will bet better if I try harder” to “there is no problem at all”.

Delusion is harder to deal with in life because it is sincere and provides a pay off.  The ability to believe our life is wonderful in a disaster is quite appealing.  The delusion that one is in control is less scary than the reality of being out of control.

Delusion is a crazy maker for those around us.  It helps us deal with illness and hang together during crisis.  But it also makes change very difficult.  It is the survival tool for self-deception.

Distortion:  distortion is the alteration of reality.  It is a way to maintain the delusion and denial.  We do not see the same reality as others.  An anorexic looks in the mirror and sees fat.  An alcoholic can distort the consequences of their behavior. 

Many of us distort the reality of relationships, the impact of behaviors, violence, neglect or manipulation in our lives.  We distort the world, what we value, and what is said and done.  . 

Defensiveness: defensiveness is projection, and the focusing on others, their roles, responsibilities and behaviors, while not letting anyone get too close or see too much of us.  Guilt is the veneer, fear is the power plant and shame is the fuel.

All these distract from the underlying hurt and pain of isolation.  It takes a strongly integrated defense system to protect the isolation and to prevent pain and hurt.

Dishonesty: as progression occurs, dishonesty and distorting the truth develop.  We lie to cover our tracks or to protect others.  We become dishonest about our feelings.  We smile through our pain and deny our feelings.  We also become dishonest about behavior i.e., alcoholics, etc.

Dishonesty creates disharmony and disharmony creates addiction and obsessive behavior.  We distance ourselves from ourselves.  There is no chance of recovery with dishonesty.

The dishonesty we teach our children is the dishonesty of feelings.  Dishonesty is the perfect fuel for self hate.

Despair: the hopelessness that things won’t and can’t change.  The feeling that we are not in control and we are unwilling to let go of something that we don’t even have.   

Isolation is the result of despair and when despair mixes with fear and shame, pain manifest itself as our last ditch efforts of self-destructiveness.    It is the absence of hope, truth and light.  It is the strangling of spirit. 

We feel empty and attempt gain our self esteem from outside of ourselves.

A mature, functional adult feels self- esteem from the inside out and feels vulnerable with protection. They are able to embrace self as imperfect with accountability for imperfections that damage others. In addition, a mature functional adult is interdependent, not dependent i.e., needy or wanting.

When we get into recovery and do the painful but rewarding work, and make the decision to stop being co-dependent in our present lives, then the cycle of co-dependency and addiction, compulsion, stress disorders and other symptoms of co-dependency begin to fade and are replaced with self care, respect, a solid and safe supportive system, with proper diet, exercise and sleep.